It feels good to be back.
I have yearned my soul dry.. I’ve missed every dark corner in my mind, every image on the walls of my imagination and all the aging scrapes that have accumulated on them with time.
I’ve never missed anyone or anything as much as I’ve missed myself.
I vow to always put up a fight against this illness that’ll undoubtedly come back again to steal me away. I vow to hold on as hard as I can..
I promise to be stronger next time.
‘Cause there’ll be a next time, I hate to think like that.. but I recently.. I’ve been trying to be more realistic, so I must.
The numbness nearly killed me, which I find strange to say ‘cause.. on the other hand, does that make the pain vital?
A song is playing in the background in my head.. “Cause I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all..”
The sense of belonging I find in those lyrics has a sullen beauty to it… and I love it.
The more I get to know myself the crazier the image I have of her grows and the more intriguing it does too.
Why do I love pain so much? Why do I always paint such a poetic picture of it in my world? And you know how much you worship the poetic.. How and when did the first domino fall and knock the rest of the pieces down with it.. to lead me into growing so mistakingly fond of aching..
I’ll give that a wild guess, I’ll try my best..
Perhaps it’s as simple as saying.. I’ve gotten used to it, so much, that it feels like home, like my daily dose of morning coffee, my usual inter-dimensional trip or my dearly beloved hebdomads of mania.
Perhaps.. perhaps, perhaps.
I wasn’t always like that, as a child I never really missed people or longed for places.. I always said my goodbyes whenever their time came. And moved on.. I guess?
I know now that my heart was severely scarred back then, just quietly.
Nostalgia was a crazy concept for me, I felt it a little, and it hurt a little, and then I buried it before it hurt more. I kept doing that for years..
Until my first ever ‘snap out of it’ moment that released me, that broke the pattern, it was followed by many others that hold a remarkable record by now, but that’s a story for another time.
Anyways.. something clicked. And I started to become who I am now which is a type of being I don’t know what to call yet. I’ve come close to finding out a couple of times.. maybe it's just as simple as a forsaken mad writer? I’m not sure..
I don’t know who I am, physically, I don’t.
I long for knowing… knowing anything at all.
I long for recognition.
For a hundred thousand ‘Eureka’s, a lifetime of them if I could be the giver.. but actually my heart wants an infinity.
The thrill of discovery.. the thrill of peeking behind the scenes of the universe and knowing the unchangeable pretty truths. The itched in holy stone.
So, by the time something haunts me, loves me, alongside attempting something that indicates its sincerity. Proving its great presence in the world.
I get attached. So damn attached.
‘Cause if it weren’t there.. there won’t be anything else left to fill the empty space.
So if it’s pain, let it be pain. For it is familiar.
I changed so much these past few years.. in ways that my 2015 self would never believe and could never comprehend, she’d be so very happy about how things inside us are like now but she’d be so fuckin’ shocked of them.
I miss her though.. I really do.
I’ve tried resurrecting her multiple times, but I haven’t succeeded yet..
She was hard to decipher.
She was lost.. a stray.
Drifting wherever the universe blew her,
and the universe had evil intentions back then.
But not anymore… or so I try to believe into existence.
I don’t wonder about pointless things anymore,
I found a new direction for my train of thoughts, in every aspect. Though I wouldn’t say I’m finished planning my destinations. and I’m sure it still takes a couple of crazy turns every now and then. But I know now that..
My mind has hellish things to vomit.
Everyone does, literally everyone.
You just need to have the willpower to jump-start the system. If it’s in you.. you’re lucky.
I feel like I have it all figured out right now, I wish I could feel like this forever..
I know enough for me to say.. I got the world in my hands, I don’t remember how I got here, or how I survived so far… but this place is right where I need to be. Exactly where I’ve got to start my road-trip.
The sun always seems to wash my fears away, and it’s always shining somewhere..
I just gotta get there.
“You wouldn't even look at a clock unless hours were lines of coke, dials looked like the signs of gay bars, or time itself was a fair hustler in black leather.”
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